One Stop Wedding Shop
Updated: May 3, 2023
From different formalities to different seasons and destinations, from rules to recommendations to absolutes, weddings can be so overwhelming. Fortunately, I've gathered everything you need here for a perfect wedding from rules for the bride and groom to etiquette for guests.
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Weddings can be so, so overwhelming even if you're just a guest, but the pressure increases the more involved you are. I get asked all the time what the rules are, what to wear, is it rude for me to ask this question to the couple getting married, do I need to get them a gift for EVERY event I attend, etc. Fortunately, I've been in my fair share of weddings and have attempted to cultivate as much advice and as many dos and don'ts as possible below. A lot of this is nuanced and these are generalizations so please consider the culture surrounding the wedding you're attending, the season, time of day, etc.
Guest Etiquette
RSVP. Period. Full stop. The couple getting married are spending a LOT of money and while it's their day, they're also feeding you and potentially providing you with alcohol which is incredibly expensive. They're often required to pay for extra meals for people who forgot to RSVP which adds up. If your RSVP changes, you must notify the couple getting married. If you're within three weeks of the wedding and your RSVP changes, you must notify them via text, email, or call, too.
Do not ask for a plus one. Weddings are expensive! The average "head" per wedding costs about $75-$100 (more in bigger cities) for food alone. That's A LOT of money and the couple getting married may have various reasons for not inviting them including limited budgets, wanting to have a small and intimate ceremony, or just not wanting strangers at their wedding. The only time you should consider asking for a plus one is if you are married, engaged, living together, or are in a long-term relationship that the couple getting married knows about (long-term meaning you've been seeing each other seriously for at least 3-4 months but ideally it would be a relationship of at least six months).
You don't have to go to every wedding. This is controversial! But they're also expensive and cost guests a lot of money. If you have a wedding-heavy year with lots of close friends and you're stressed about going to the weddings where you may not know many people and aren't as close to the couple getting married, you do not have to go. Obviously use your discretion as there may be other factors as to why you should attend, but sadly, I think we've built a culture where we feel it's personal if we're invited and don't show up. I can assure you, the couple getting married would be thrilled to not have to pay for your food and drinks. And remember: no is a complete sentence. You don't always owe them an explanation -- simply saying "I wish I could be there, wishing you a perfect and beautiful day" in your RSVP is enough. If you see the bride or groom and they question it, it's ok to say that you just don't have the bandwidth. In these cases, if it's not someone too far from your closest circle, it's best to send a gift as a show of gratitude for the invite anyways, but if that's not in your budget, send a nice card in the mail wishing them well.
Pay attention to what you're wearing. What you wear to a wedding should be a pretty serious consideration. While it can be hard to follow all of these all the time, there are general rules of thumb and should be considered heavily. Remember, this day is about the couple getting married, not you and you should not wear anything that would steal attention away from the couple getting married. These rules have loosened a little bit in recent years, but generally speaking, unless otherwise noted, you should almost never wear white/cream (for obvious reasons), red or neon colors (they are stand out and are extremely eye catching), pastels (they can photograph too close to white or appear to close to white), metallics (draw attention and create glare in photos), or anything particularly risqué or provocative. You should have fun with your wedding-wear, but it's important to consider your role in the day which is to love and support the couple, not be the center of attention.
Gifts are not needed at every event. If you're fortunate to be invited to celebrations before the wedding including showers and parties, you do not have to bring a gift to all of those events. Sometimes, games are played at parties requiring gifts but they're usually small (panties or lingerie or something). Here's a good rule of thumb: showers takes precedent. If you attend a shower, bring your gift there and don't worry about one for a bachelor/ette party or the actual day. If you're attending a bachelor/ette party, you're likely going to be buying drinks and food for the celebrant which is very much a considerable gift. It's nice to drop a card at the wedding but not necessary. If you're only attending the bachelor/ette party and the wedding, bring your gift to the wedding if you have the gift in person. Fortunately, with e-registries, this is much easier to send one gift and the couple getting married can decide when they want it delivered and you can also elect when you send it, but do not feel pressure to bring a gift to all of those events.
Couple Etiquette
Provide a few options for guests' accommodations. Considering varying price points is important. Trying to get a few blocks at a few different hotels is incredibly helpful to the guests who are spending a considerable amount of money and time to celebrate you.
While it's not typically OK for guests to ask for plus ones, be considerate in your invite list. If someone you're inviting knows fewer than 2 people at the wedding excluding the couple (you'll be busy!), you should provide that guest with a plus one. Even if they bring a friend, weddings are overwhelming and not having someone there to dance with is scary. Of course that guest may be totally fine braving it alone, but often people congregate in groups and it can be hard to break into those to make friends so give them the opportunity to enjoy your day and make it easier for them to celebrate you.
Send thank you cards. I would encourage this even if someone simply attended and didn't provide you with a gift if you can. People took time out of their lives to celebrate YOU. And they wanted to! We know you spent a fortune for them to do so, but time is the most finite resource and they chose to spend theirs with you. Thank them for that. And if they provided a gift, this is a non-negotiable. Make it personal and do it in a timely manner.
Be mindful of what you gift if you have a wedding party. If you're planning on giving your wedding party a gift of some kind, make it useful. I hate to break it to you but we probably don't want another water bottle with our name on it or a robe we won't use. I've included some ideas for actually practical gifts below, but perhaps an even better gift, if you can swing it, would be to pay for your group's hair and/or makeup (or for their suit/tie/send them a Venmo for their haircut or something they will inevitably get before wedding day). For most people getting married, getting ready together is such a sacred part of the day so by paying for hair or makeup or a round of golf in the morning, you may give your participants the opportunity to spend more time with the group the day of (and you get them with you, too), to feel special, and to not have another expense to add to their roster along with the dress, shoes, nails, etc. If this is out of budget for you and your party, encourage them to come together and at least get ready together even if someone else isn't doing it for them. It's the calm before the storm and allows you both to give each other the gift of time.
Eat and take a moment for yourselves. Do not feel guilty about sitting down to eat. This is often a time used to circulate around the room and greet everyone... But take it slow, take the extra 10-15 minutes of sitting together to make sure you've eaten. Your people of honor should be bodyguards in some ways keeping people away so you can enjoy even a quick meal. It's a long and often incredibly stimulating day so take the time to sit and eat. Also, take a break at some point in the day/evening to be alone, check in, and just pause. Your photographer will likely give this to you when they pull you away for pictures after the ceremony, but make sure you find some time to step away and just have a moment to check in without other people bothering you. It's a big day full of love, but take some time to just be together in peace. You may want to set some sort of silly code word or a gesture. Your people of honor should also help with this but keep it in mind and take the 5-10 mins of privacy.
Try to talk to everyone. This is extremely hard but be mindful of your time and make sure you circulate. It's not always possible, particularly if people leave early or something, but really make an effort to keep it moving. You can come back to those you want to spend more time with once you've made the rounds. Again your people of honor can help pull you out of situations that are going on too long.
Slippers are a near necessity. I say near because it may not be in your budget, but if you can make it work, order a bunch cheap slippers in a variety of sizes and put them in a basket next to the dance floor. Your guests will thank you. Heels are so incredibly uncomfortable and while I'd love to say "don't wear them!" to your attendees, we know they want to and will (me included!) I've never seen a basket with slippers remaining at the end of the night at any wedding I've attended that had them. They are such a relief and keep bare feet off the dance floor.
Offer to pay for some part of your bachelor/ette party weekend. While there's an expectation that nothing should be paid for over your party weekend, not everyone will get married and therefore, the favor may not be returned. It's not a tit-for-tat situation, but be considerate, particularly if you have a destination party. It's hard to set a hard rule, but just be mindful of the overall expense and offer to chip in here and there.
People of Honor and Wedding Party Etiquette
You are a bodyguard. You're required to do a bit of work on wedding day and that includes being a bodyguard to the couple getting married. If you see a guest taking too much time from the couple, give them an exit strategy and bring them over to someone else. A safe bet if you don't know many of the other attendees is "your parent is looking for you really quickly" because parents are usually ok to rebound them and give them the freedom to move on to someone else. You also need to make sure people aren't coming up and interrupting their meal. If someone comes up and chats with them, I politely say "oh my gosh, this food is so good! Can I bring them back over to you when we're done eating?"
Make sure the couple gets a moment alone. Early in the reception if it directly follows the ceremony, check in with the couple and make sure they've had a moment alone. If they haven't, pull them away and tell them you want to show them something (if they're in the middle of a conversation) and stick them somewhere private. Usually, photographers will have pulled them away and given them that time, but it's good to check in and make sure they've had a moment of peace. If there was a space between ceremony and reception and photos were taken, try to pull them away for five minutes early in the night. I always bring them water and a cocktail because they've probably lost theirs and give them a chance to breathe. If they say they absolutely don't want that, then that's ok, too! Just check in and make sure they get some time to themselves that day. One other tip: when the late night food comes, make them a plate and bring it to them. They often don't get any of that food and likely didn't eat a ton of dinner so make sure you grab a plate and bring it over to them.
If you're planning a party, try not to make gifts necessary. Games can be fun, but the requisite of gifts of any kind can increase the financial burden of the day/weekend. If the bride absolutely wants game, ideate games that don't require gifts or at least make sure they're inexpensive gifts (panties or something). If you're doing a lot of the planning, you're likely spending extra money on decorations or on random purchases here and there. Your planning of the weekend can absolutely be your gift to the couple getting married. I'd also recommend baking in downtime -- the weekends can be exhausting, so make sure you leave some open time for the party-goers to nap, take time to be alone, or rest.
For a weekend away, it should not be more than 2 nights domestically or 3 nights internationally. These weekends can be expensive and while we're thrilled to be there to celebrate our friends, it's also taking up a lot of our time. Out of respect for both factors, try to limit the amount of time (and therefore money) you request from your guests. It's hard to say no in these situations because these are typically closer friends who want to show up, so be mindful ahead of time and don't plan extended stays.
If you attend a party, the bride should not pay for much. In theory, this would be reciprocated, but it's also OK to consider you may be attending a party with no plans to get married. Again, it's not a tit-for-tat situation and the person getting married should offer to pitch in here and there, but it's also, somewhat unfortunately, expected that you'll spoil the person a bit. I say this because there are often questions on how much the party should be paying for and in this situation, the answer is a lot but not all.
Wedding Formalities
I've gathered as much information on all of the formalities below and translated it into what I hope is more digestible information. The below are ranked from least formal to most formal. I've not gone into white-tie, either, because it's extremely rare and there's one rule: full three-piece tux with tails for men, gowns for women, no exceptions.
Casual
This is fairly rare. You won't often see an invite for casual attire, but if it does happen, you're in luck. This is kind of the most flexible attire. You'd most often see this for a beach wedding, but there are different levels of casual dress which can include daytime attire (most casual) and semi-formal (which is slightly more formal than casual but very lax in the scheme of things). I've included a sub-category for semi-formal because it's become increasingly popular.
For Women
If the wedding is occurring during the day, you can typically wear sundresses, patterns, colors, and wedges or dressier sandals. If the wedding is later in the evening, you can wear similar silhouettes but they should be in darker colors. Dresses can be above or below the knee in this case but should not typically be floor length unless it's an airy maxi dress. Sneakers, jeans, tank tops, and casual sandals should not be worn. Hair and makeup should match what you'd wear on a daily basis with, perhaps, a slight elevation.
For Men
Lighter colors and patterns can be worn in this instance. Polos and patterned button ups are totally fine. Even short sleeve button ups work. Khakis can fall in here and shoes should be nice but not formal. Think something like a leather sneaker or a Chelsea boot or even a loafer. Tie and sport jackets are not required in this scenario but can be worn if desired. Basic t-shirts and sneakers are not recommended, nor are more formal prints on your shirts (i.e. pinstripes).
Semi-Formal
This has grown in popularity over the last few years as a means of focusing on the celebration rather than the formality. It unfortunately lies in a wide grey area and it's hard to pin down because it lies between formal and casual. It can sometimes be used interchangeably with "cocktail attire" but this tends to be a little bit less formal than cocktail.
For Women
If there was ever a time for a LBD, this is it. Dresses can again be above or below the knee but not typically floor length in any scenario here and should be slightly more tailored than casual dress. Embellishments are not typically found here as dresses will often follow a more streamlined design. A pantsuit or a nice skirt with a more bold top would work well here, too. Keep in mind the time of day -- daytime celebrations encourage more color while nighttime weddings would require darker hues. Flats, dressy wedges, and heels are good options and hair and makeup should be elevated like you'd wear to a nice dinner or for a special event.
For Men
Slacks and a button down are perfect. You can wear a tie if the ceremony is occurring later in the day and a sport coat would be preferable if it's chilly. Shoes should be leather and maybe getting into an informal wingtip but sneakers of any kind would be inappropriate here.
Cocktail Attire
This gets into more formal attire. There are a few more rules and dos and don'ts here because you're getting into a more formal realm.
Women
Dresses should be tailored and have a more formal silhouette, but floor length gowns are still not required. This is kind of the last stop before floor length is somewhat mandatory. Above the knee is totally fine so long as it's not too short. If you're showing more on the top (ie thin straps or a low back) opt for a dress that's more midi length. No patterns are off limits here but I'd steer clear of linen dresses unless the wedding is in July or August and the dress has a solid shape to it. Hair and makeup can be more formal and sophisticated. Updos start to become acceptable but you'd probably opt for something a bit undone here or your hair down and styled.
Men
Suit and tie are required regardless of the location/venue. Easy as that/
Black-Tie Optional or Formal
You've arrived at gown and tux potential territory. While neither are required and you still have some freedom, you'll need to be mindful to wear something more formal. This is generally the most popular wedding formality.
Women
Gowns are totally acceptable as are more formal cocktail dresses (i.e. more tailored, embellished cocktail gowns). To be frank, there's not a huge difference between black-tie optional and black-tie, but it's generally ok to have shorter dresses here where it is not in a black-tie setting. While a generalization, the fit of your dress should not be too breezy unless it's made from a more formal fabric.
Men
Tuxedos are acceptable but not required. Darker suits are also acceptable and ties are mandatory. Loafers are still OK here, but you'd most often be wearing nicer dress shoes.
Black-Tie
You're in full gowns and tuxes space. There is very little room for interpretation here. These weddings should usually occur at or after about 6 PM.
Women
Full length gowns are required and should not feature much color. You can get away with subdued tones of other colors (like navy or emerald) but black is going to be your safest bet. Ankles should not be visible. The best way to have some fun here is to play with accessories. Bold jewelry like thicker metallic bracelets, glitzier necklaces and statement earrings are a great play here.
Men
Tuxedos are a non-negotiable. Bowties are common but you can also get away with thin, black ties. Suits are not acceptable and cummerbunds and tails are a point of tension -- some say it's acceptable, some don't. Use your discretion based on the venue but fortunately, neither are required here. If the wedding occurs in the summer, a white jacket is acceptable with tuxedo pants. Your cufflinks can be an area for more flexibility.
Wedding Party Gift Ideas
If paying for hair/makeup/etc. are out of budget, here are some affordable but useful gifts.
These earrings are timeless and should be fairly neutral for most of your party. They're something that could be worn day of if you wish, but would be worn for a long time afterwards and would serve as a sweet reminder of the day.
This pouch is sturdy but can be personalized which is great and adds a bit of personality. I love the small gold lettering as a personal touch. These, again, would serve your friends long after wedding day, but could also be used day of as a clutch.
If you really want to go the cup/water bottle route, I'd recommend just buying a variety of colors of something a little nicer rather than monograming a cheap plastic one that will most definitely end up in the garbage. I like these ones because they are sealable and can comfortably hold a drink (like a High Noon) and are also incredibly versatile in their use -- different tops can be purchased later on if your friend wants a straw top instead and they're great for travel, the beach, work in the car, and are great for hot and cold drinks.
This roller is like those old school blotting papers but better. A great gift for your friends that is usable long after wedding day but would serve well day-of to keep shininess down, especially when everyone is typically wearing more makeup than usual. With this, I'd also gather some day-of essentials like a travel hairspray, a lipgloss or lipstick, and a cute claw clip for later in the night.
Wedding Guest Dresses
Below is a compilation of what I'd wear to a wedding at various formalities.
This short, breezy, linen dress is perfect for a daytime wedding. It sadly wouldn't be great for anything outside of the casual category unless it was for a semi-formal, daytime wedding that was happening outdoors.
This dress would work well for both casual and semi-formal events because the silhouette is incredibly versatile, subdued, and sophisticated but the print makes it fun enough for a casual wedding, too. This can be dressed up or down with shoes and accessories.
This little black dress is so incredibly versatile and could be worn endlessly outside of wedding season as well. I'd pair this with a sweater on top for a work/dinner look in the cooler months. This is a great, affordable option for a timeless, versatile dress.
This is a great dress for a daytime wedding or a summer evening wedding. The print and tiering make it extremely flattering and it would bode well with hair up or down.
I LOVE this dress. The shorter hemline and thinner straps make it dainty while the body is structured and beautiful. This is more of an investment but it's timeless and something you could wear over and over again. Side note: this dress is pushing the boundaries a little bit in the lighter color but because of the texture and print, you'd be fine.
Puff Hi-Low Dress: Cocktail
This dress is so dreamy. The length difference between the front and back combined with the volume in the skirt makes this a perfect dress for cocktail attire year-round. I'd wear this with chunkier heels for a more informal look and strappier heels to elevate the look.
Black Slit Gown: Formal/Black-Tie
This gown is very versatile formality-wise. While you're supposed to cover your ankles in black-tie situations, that rule has loosened and as long as the dress is long, you're covered. I love the shape of this one, the slit isn't too high, and the fabric is stretchy so you'll be extremely comfortable all night long.
This dress is a little bit too informal for black-tie mainly because of the fabric but the overall shape is a little bit less formal than black-tie as well. I love the color here -- something that's not black which is usually a very safe choice but it's dark enough to look good on all skin tones and hair colors.
As always, if you need more recommendations, drop a note below!
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